Diary of the Pirate Killer Read online

  8/29/08- I’m glad I have the day off. I don’t even want to get out of bed. This whole thing with John has left me feeling even worse than I did before. In a strange way, it feels like I lost Justin all over again. I know that John didn’t take his place, but it was nice not to feel so alone. In addition to just feeling down about being alone again, I feel horrible about what happened to John. I didn’t want him to die. I know I didn't really know him, but I feel terrible. Of course, I’m really more upset that I don’t have him to talk to or just spend time with anymore. When I start to think about that, though, I start to feel really guilty. Even feeling guilty doesn’t stop the fact that I feel sadder that he’s not here for me. I feel like a total bitch. I think I’m going to cry now.

  September 2008

  9/1/08- Dr. Gamboa said I looked worse today. Well, he didn’t so much say it as write it. I read it upside down. I can’t blame him. I regret taking John. I didn’t think it was possible to be sadder than I was before, but I do. It’s debilitating. Honestly, the only reason I get out of bed and go to work is so I will be there when the call comes in for John’s body. Besides, it would look ridiculously suspicious if I publically breakdown now.

  It’s really hard. It literally feels like someone has their hand in my chest and is squeezing my heart. My whole body just hurts. I understand how people can actually die of a broken heart. Every day I wake up feeling like I’m dying inside. I just want it all to end. I can’t live like this.

  9/3/08- My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when the call came in for John’s body today. Ben was going to take the call, but I volunteered. It was incredibly difficult to try to keep calm and not look eager. I haven’t been excited about anything lately. It would have looked strange.

  Luckily, only one arm had been discovered by the time I got there. I was able to get to the head and plant the fiber in the nose before anyone saw. It’s not something they will be able to tie to anyone, but if they are able to link him to Justin, it will at least make them focus more on Ben. Besides, the color of the fibers in my car is completely different. It should definitely keep me from being focused on, even if Ben tries to send them in my direction, which I’m sure he would do.

  Well, as of now they have no idea who they found. I thought for sure that it would have been an immediate connection, especially since Detective Wilcome is working the case, but I haven’t even heard his name mentioned once.

  I’m beginning to think the detective’s aren’t even close to as clever as I originally thought they were. I don’t know exactly how I feel about that.

  9/4/08- As expected, the analysis of the carpet fiber didn’t do anything to lead the investigation. Dr. Andrews was able to make a positive identification. While I’m still freaking out, it is actually pretty amusing seeing how frantic everyone is right now. Between the card and him being dismembered, there are all kinds of theories being thrown around. I even heard someone talking about the prospect of a cult in the area.

  Detective Wilcome and Detective Matthews were talking about it when I walked into the homicide office today. I heard them saying that unless they can find someone with motive, it would be very difficult to find out who’s responsible. Or at least that’s the gist of it. I guess that’s an upside to this whole thing. The department is going to look really bad when this case remains unsolved. Serves them right. It’s their fault Justin died. They deserve for people to see them as a problem instead of a solution.

  9/5/08- I must say, I’m loving just how freaked everyone at the station is right now. It’s the card I left that has everyone in a near panic. Although it was a stupid move taking him, leaving that was probably one of the best things I could have done. All anyone can seem to talk about is the possibility of another man being taken. It’s doing a better job of distracting them than I originally thought.

  It actually helps to ease my nerves. There’s no way they will suspect me. They will be looking for some psycho who takes pleasure in grabbing guys and killing them.

  I’ve been so worried about this that I haven’t slept in a week. I think I might actually be able to tonight. Might as well try.

  9/7/08- Dr. Gamboa suggested again today that I get a hobby. Does he really think that if I take up gardening or knitting that it will make me feel better? I told him I would consider it, but I think it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Nothing makes me feel better. I’ve been throwing myself into work to try to distract myself, but it’s not working anymore. I stood across the street from the station and just stared at the doors for twenty minutes before I could make myself go in.

  These people were supposed to be Justin’s friends. His cancer may have taken him, but the department pulled the trigger. I used to love my job. I loved the work that I did and the people I did it with. Now I live for the moments I don’t have to be there.

  I had a dream last night that I burned it to the ground. I haven’t been that happy in a while. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually do it.

  9/29/08- I know it’s been a while since I wrote last. There hasn’t really been much to report. It’s been a month since John died, and the case has officially stalled. They did look into a few people with personal grudges against him, but they were unable to make anything stick. I was actually hoping they could pin it on the last guy they brought in for questioning. At least he deserves to be jailed. He’s a real piece of work, named Marshal Teich. While he’s never been formally accused of any wrong doings that I know of, he’s got his thumb in a number of pies around town. I heard he even beat down some guy who owed him five bucks. I don’t know if it’s really true, but it wouldn’t have surprised me. He apparently got into a pretty heated argument with John about a week before I grabbed him. Honestly, I think he would have killed him if I hadn’t snatched him up. At least he didn’t spend his last moments suffering like he would have at the hand of Teich. I was able to save him from that.

  Back to the point, though, the investigation has all but stopped, and I wasn’t ever looked into. I know his death was an accident, but it would be near impossible for me to prove it in court. I feel so bad that it happened, but I’m incredibly relieved that I won’t have to face any backlash from it. It was a foolish notion, and now that I realize that, I can put it behind me and move past it. It’s not like it’s something I would ever want to happen again.

  9/30/08-Still nothing much to report. I haven’t been into work in almost a week. I told them I was super excited about going to the beach, but I just couldn’t get myself to go in. I actually had a really vivid dream about going in with a large flame thrower and torching the entire building... I actually woke up smiling. I’ve only got two more days of my vacation left. I REALLY don’t want to go back. Well, it’s almost three. I guess I should actually get out of bed. Other than grabbing a bottle of wine and getting up to pee, I’ve just been curled up under my blankets since nine last night. Even for me, eighteen hours in bed is a lot.

  October 2008

  10/4/08- It’s been almost three months now. It still hurts as bad as it did that day. Everyone says the pain will lessen with time. It’s getting worse. I’ve almost forgotten how it feels to be happy. I can put on this fake smile for people, but there’s nothing behind it. I have to hold it all in, though. Even though he’s gone, I know if the department found out about the two of us, I’d lose my job. I just have to bury everything when I’m around those people.

  Ben will hardly even look at me. I think that makes it all the more difficult to deal with. I can’t talk to him about what I’m going through. If he knew how much I was hurting, he might suspect me. He’s smarter than the others, and he’s the only person who could tie me the death. The only way plan B will work is if he doesn’t name me until after he’s already been accused. Then it will just look like the sad attempts of a desperate man.

  I still feel bad putting him in this position, but there’s no other option.

  10/6/08- I can’t believe what this quack said today! Dr. Gamboa actually recommen
ded that I go on antidepressants! How ridiculous is that?! Like a pill could fill the hole Justin left in my heart. Am I really paying him to hear garbage like this? I’m furious right now. What Justin and I had wasn’t just your everyday romance. What we had was epic. It was the kind of love most people will never know; the kind they write books about. I don’t care how many pills I swallowed. They wouldn’t even begin to heal my soul. I just want to scream right now. I think I’m going to go to the gym before I give into my anger and go burn his house down... with him in it.

  10/17/08- It’s been a while. I was so irritated after Dr. Gamboa’s suggestion that I nearly cancelled my appointments. Honestly, the only reason I didn’t is because I’m afraid it could raise suspicions. The last thing I need is for him to think I’m being erratic and report me as being a danger. It wouldn’t take long before they connected the dots after that. I even told him at the last appointment that I would start taking something. Now I’m going to have to research antidepressants so I can make it look convincing. Above anyone, Dr. Gamboa must believe I’m adjusting. He’s the only one who saw my true feelings between the time I took John and when he died. He’s smarter than those imbeciles at the station.

  Let’s see... Oh, so the case has been completely pushed aside now. I think the most satisfying part of it is the grief the news is giving the department. They are doing an impressive job making the detectives look incompetent. It’s not like it’s a hard job. The fact that they haven’t connected John with Justin is completely unbelievable. I wouldn’t have missed it, you know, if I didn’t already know. I would have seen it right away. If Ben made the connection, he hasn’t said anything. Either he’s not as clever as I thought, or he’s realized it but is keeping it to himself. He must be aware that he would be named a suspect.

  I’m going to go with the first one. He’s too much of a goodie-goodie to keep it to myself, even if he’s trying to save himself grief. Besides, he would know instantly it was me, and he’s showing ZERO sign of that.

  Well, off to that hell hole. Bye for now.

  10/21/08- I hated this job BEFORE I took time off. I didn’t realize it could get even worse. I have this seething rage bubbling inside of me. They are responsible for Justin’s death, and they don’t have to face any consequences. It reminds me of those big companies that mess up and kill a lot of people, then over power their families in court and get away with nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

  To top things off, Ben is still being super cold toward me. It’s almost like he blames me! Doesn’t he see that it’s really them who are to blame? And it’s not like he is so innocent. He could have made Justin get the surgery. If he had really pushed, I know he would have listened. Well, I’m off to go meet some people at the bar.

  10/24/08- I really didn’t think today could be any longer. Ben’s had me researching arson cases the last few days. Isn’t it the fire department’s job to look into arson fires? I swear he’s doing it just because he’s mad at me. I think he blames me for Justin’s death. It’s one thing for him to be mad at me, though. This is just too much. I’ve spent three days going over different accelerants, lists of the most flammable items in houses, and more photos than I can count. I know I’m never going to use any of this crap. I’ve never once had to investigate how a fire was started. I would understand if he had me looking into different ways to process evidence that’s been through a fire, but none of this has to do with evidence at all. I’m going out of my mind with boredom.

  On the bright side, I’ve got the next two days off. I’m actually considering turning my phone off. I might just snap if I get called in. It’s not like I’m expecting a call from anyone else. Of course, that won’t stop them from trying to talk me into going in when I run into them at the bar. I need to learn how to say no to people. I’m going to put my foot down. Well, I’m off to the bar. I definitely need a drink after the last few days.

  10/31/08- Happy Halloween! There’s a big costume party at the station, but I REALLY don’t want to go. I know I have to, though. I’ve never missed a party. People will start to wonder if something’s wrong it I don’t show. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to wear. I’m torn between a maid and a nurse. I’m not really excited about either, but they’re the only two that I can find, and I don’t want to go shopping to get a new one. Crap, well, it’s about time for me to go. I guess I should actually start getting ready. Maybe I’ll have time to stop by the bar on the way and fill up on shots to make it bearable.

  November 2008

  11/1/08- I don’t really have much to say other than a rant I have.

  Why is it that in nearly every movie, no one can ever hit what they’re shooting at?! Especially cops. I swear, you would think law enforcement officers are given weapons without any training. Out of a hundred shots, they will be lucky to hit one. It just really bugs me. I guess I don’t have anything else to talk about.

  11/2/08- I called into work today. I know I’m going to get crap for it, especially since Ben took the day off, but I honestly don’t care. Screw the department. I don’t care if they are short handed. This entire ordeal, everything that has happened over the last four months, has been on them. It’s that stupid rule that did it. I know in my heart that if it hadn’t been there and Justin and I were allowed to be open about our relationship, I would have been able to gather the support needed to push Justin into having the surgery instead of putting it off. He wouldn’t be dead now if it weren’t for their need to try and control our lives as much as they can.

  I’m getting off topic, though. I’ve been drinking since noon, so I’m finding it a little hard to actually stay focused. Today is Justin’s birthday. He would have been thirty-six. I just couldn’t face anyone. I couldn’t walk into that building and pretend that everything was all right; not today. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would have snapped the first time anyone even spoke to me. I just told them I was sick, then turned off my phone so they couldn’t try to call me in anyway.

  I considered baking a cake to mark the day, but I couldn’t. The thought of eating it alone only made the knife in my heart twist harder. So instead, I’m going to see just how many bottles of wine I can finish before I pass out. I have a feeling I’m going to be feeling more than just my sorrow tomorrow. Hey, that rhymed. Well, back to my boozing. The words on my page are starting to blur. That’s such an unusual word... blur.

  11/6/08- I’m so incredibly hungover today. I went out for drinks with Joy after work and took shots until I could barely stand. She ended up leaving with some guy she met, after trying very hard to get me to go home with his friend. I put on a good show with her and flirted my way through the conversation until she left. I was glad when she did, though. The entire thing made me pretty uncomfortable. I felt like I was cheating on Justin. I know it sounds silly, but I can’t help it.

  On another note, Ben actually talked to me today. It wasn’t much, he just said hi when he walked in. It’s more than I’ve really gotten since Justin left us, though. That was pretty much the extent of our communication. He didn’t even really look at me for the rest of the day. I’m actually looking forward to him going to that conference next week. It will be nice not to have to deal with the cold looks he gives me.

  Erg, my head is killing me. It’s actually to the point of overpowering the dread I had from being at work today. It was almost bearable... almost. Joy walked in wearing a variation of the same outfit she had on last night. The only thing she did was exchange the jacket she wore yesterday with her lab coat. I’m guessing she didn’t make it home at all. Those days were definitely fun, but I can’t say I miss them. Sure, there was excitement in sampling the different styles men had, but there is nothing like being with a man you truly love. Our souls connected when we were together. Being with a random person wouldn’t even come close to reaching the same level of connection or emotion. The thought of it leaves me with mixed feelings. My heart warms when I think about the two of us entangled in the sheets on my bed
, but at the same time, I’m sad. I’ll never have that again. Without Justin, I’ll never have that love or connection. It’s heartbreaking. I don’t even have the desire to be with another man. I just want my Justin back. I want to wake up to find that the past several months have just been a horrible dream I’ve been struggling to wake from. I’m going to go to sleep now... hopefully that’s exactly what I’ll find tomorrow when I wake up.

  11/14/08- Man, I spent all day in a rundown convenience store working amidst a nasty smell. The owner, his wife, and their two adult children were apparently killed three or four days before, and the guy responsible locked up before leaving. It wasn’t until the smell started to seep out of the locked doors that anyone knew anything was wrong other than it just being closed. It was so gross. The killer also went through the entire place and smashed nearly everything. Even with three techs out working the scene, it still took us six hours to get everything processed. I want to strangle the guy responsible just for the mess that he made. I’ve never had to do so much work at a scene before.

  I’ve already taken two showers, but I feel like I need another one. I didn’t even process anything around the body, but I could feel their ick floating around me. I think I’m going to go take another one.

  11/16/08- I drove back out to the cabin today. I know it was risky, but I couldn’t help myself. I had a dream about John, and I had this intense feeling when I woke up that I should go back out there.

  With as much time that has past and the fact that the case is now completely cold, my nerves have almost completely settled. Now all I feel when I think about John is sadness. Not so much that he’s gone, but because spending time with him was different than anyone else I’ve been around since Justin left me. I wish he didn’t die, because I want him to still be here for me.